Solitude – Episode 38

 

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SOLITUDE

 

_38_

 

The week has gone by quickly, it’s as if it was only yesterday when the firm was launched and I must confess I love the progress that I have made so far.

 

I am seated by Mint Lounge, Chanda has been calling me endlessly requesting to see me but I couldn’t during the week because I have been busy.

 

I spot her car just as she drives in, I came in early because I wanted to make a few phone calls to some clients before I gave her the chance to say what she wanted.

 

She walks up to me and I must confess the lady coming doesn’t at all look like the Chanda that I know, she is dressed in a short peach maternity dress and gold slippers. Her hair is tied in a messy bun and her eyes look like she has been crying. (Join Us) MORE @ TOPSTER STORIES

 

‘Good morning.’ I say when she settles into the chair opposite where I am

 

‘Good morning.’ She responds sniffing

 

‘You don’t look too good.’

 

‘This pregnancy is getting the best of me.’ She says honestly

 

 

‘Sorry to hear that.’

 

‘Never mind, I am just glad very soon I will be doing this with Chibesa.’

 

I just smile wordlessly, I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news but news has already circulated at the office that him and Katai will be tying the note soon. In fact I have their invitation card with me.

 

‘Anyway, that’s not why I came.’ She begins

 

‘I am all ears.’

 

‘My marriage to August is fake.’

 

‘Excuse me.’

 

‘Yes Nella, my marriage to August is fake.’ She repeats herself

 

‘Chanda.’

 

She rolls her eyes

 

‘I didn’t come here so that you can preach to me, I came to tell you that you can have him.’

 

I look at her realizing that something is totally wrong with her.

 

‘What makes you think that I want him?’

 

‘I mean I have noticed how you two look at each other and I know that is the reason why you fired me.’ She says before laughing

 

Now I laugh, because she is out of her mind to think that I fired her because of a man.

 

 

‘So what do you say, when can I start work? If you want I can leave him today and just move in with Chibesa, that is what he has always wanted anyway.’ She says

 

I shake my head.

 

‘Chanda you honestly think I fired you because I want to be with August?’ I ask

 

She nods her head like a child

 

I sigh

 

‘You and I have never really had a girl to girl conversation, how about we start here.’ I suggest

 

‘I know the first question that you will ask is why I hate you and by now you already know the answer, I hate you because Chileshe preffered you to myself but now I know it’s because you were her daughter.’

 

She pauses

 

‘Also I hate you because you have always been full of yourself, a girl that knows nothing but makeup coming into the corporate world and taking over everything that I have worked towards. Your spirit annoys me Nella, your breath makes me want to choke. I hate that even though you are so good at makeup you don’t wear it yourself and you look pretty still. I hate that even when you don’t try so hard to look amazing you always stand out. I hate that your beauty is natural. I hate that even though I tried to bury you when you came to work for the firm you still got a hold of everything and you started running the show like you were born to do it. And the worst of it all, I hate how August looks at you, I was with him for a very long time but he never looked at me the way he looks at you. So delicate, so pure, like you are some flower that he is keeping for a very important ceremony.’

 

‘That is a lot of hate.’ I say trying to take in everything that she has just said

 

‘Wow.’ I say again feeling a pang of pain

 

‘And you stored all that within you?’ I ask

 

 

‘All that pain?’ I add

 

She laughs

 

‘It isn’t pain when it is the only thing that I have known.’

 

‘What sort of a childhood did you have?’

 

She laughs, but this time a hint of hurt in her voice.

 

‘I tried Nella, I really did. I loved mum.’

 

‘Chileshe.’ She says correcting herself as tears fall

 

‘But I was never in the picture, the first time she brought you home I was happy. Thinking that I would have a friend and a sister to always hang around but all that was a blurry image because I could see how she preferred you.’

 

‘Chanda.’ I say with sympathy

 

She shakes her head more tears falling

 

‘Do you honestly think a child can become bitter overnight?’

 

I don’t know what to say, so I just look at her.

 

‘Nella no one wakes up and becomes a bad person or bitter or angry. It takes years of carrying pain and emotions that are not let out. That is what brings people like me to where we are today, honestly I didn’t choose to be this way. My late mother would have told you that. August can tell you that. But I saw the difference, I saw how she treated me and no I don’t blame her for how I turned out but hey; she is not here to defend herself.’

 

She pauses and allows more tears to fall.

 

 

‘That is when I became close to Chibesa, no he didn’t even want to have anything intimate with me. But it grew, the loneliness, the need to feel whatever kind of love from someone – anyone. And he was there, through the tears. The pain, I told him about my first menstruation because guess what, my mother was busy with either work or you. And so we got close, talked about a lot of other things and one thing led to the other. At first we both felt guilty, promised never to do it again. But he was my first, so was I. and it hurt like crazy, we were curios beings and wanted to know what would happen the second time, so the second led to the third and fourth and fifth until we couldn’t count anymore. Chibesa filled me up.’ She smiles through her tears

 

‘He filled me up, he filled up a certain void that I had for a very long time and I mistook lust for love. Until August came into my life and showed me a better way of being loved, he loved me so hard it hurt. Until I learned to open up, until I learned to love. But guess what?’

 

‘What?’ I ask

 

‘My body never felt complete beneath his touch, and instead of being complete each time he touched me it’s like he was killing me. August’s touch was never enough, it’s like Chibesa had touched my heart so deep no one could shake it.’

 

‘So I kept going back, watering the seed that he had planted in me. And here we are now.’

 

She sighs so deep and I don’t know what to say

 

‘Chanda I am so sorry.’

 

‘No Nella, I am sorry I should have told you what was bothering me and not just allowing the acid to burn so much in the process.’

 

‘Why are you telling me this now?’

 

‘Well because I am tired, I just want to spend forever with my man. With Chibesa.’

 

‘Chanda.’ I say my tears betraying me

 

 

‘What?’

 

I remove the invitation card from my bag and hand it to her

 

She looks at it intently before smiling

 

‘Chibesa is marrying Katai?’

 

‘Chanda.’

 

‘He wants my child to be raised by a single mother.’

 

‘Chanda listen.’

 

‘Nella this is war, Katai won’t go to that alter.’

 

‘Chanda please.’

 

‘Or, we can both go as his brides.’ She says standing up

 

‘Chanda.’

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‘Nella I didn’t cheat on a good man just to be treated like trash, just to be dumped. It’s me or no one else.’ She says standing up