Anything For Rachel – Episode 20
✒Episode_20
I wanted to be angry with him for the things he had said, but I already knew that I was about to hurt him anyway, so I pushed aside my anger and took him by the hand, pulling him into my room with me.
“Well no wonder you love it here so much.” Logan said as he looked around the room.
“I don’t love it here.” I said simply as I closed the door.
Logan glanced over to the bed, taking in how both sides were unmade. “Has he been in here with you?” He asked accusingly.
I shook my head and held back my eye roll. “No, Logan.” I said.
“Nothing has happened with us. This is the room that we shared when I was here.”
Logan shook his head and ran his hand through his hair, pushing his blonde locks to one side. “What’s going on here, Rachel?” He asked, the softer side of him that I was used to seeping through his own anger.
My face betrayed me by scrunching up. “Logan, I’m so sorry.” I whispered.
“You’re sorry?” He whispered, his eyes dropping down to the ground. He pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and stepped back to sit on the foot of the bed, putting his head in his hands as he took a few deep breaths.
“Logan, I really am.” I said softly, feeling the knife twist in my gut. “I thought I was…”
“You thought you were over it?” He filled in for me and I sighed.
“But you aren’t.” He whispered. “And neither is he.”
“I don’t know what to say to you.” I admitted. “I love you so much, and I can never thank you enough for everything you’ve been for me and Rose.”
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He lifted his head to look at me and I saw the sadness in his watery eyes. “Are you kicking me out of her life too?” He asked.
I went to him quickly, sitting beside him and pulling his hand into my lap, latching onto it tightly. “God, no.” I assured him. “She loves you, and I know how much you love her.” I told him. “I would never take you two away from each other. Sometimes I feel like she likes you even more than she does me.” I smiled at him and despite the awkwardness that was filling the room he smiled too.
“I think she does.” He joked and I dropped my own head into my hands whimpering through a strained laugh.
“Logan, why are you so perfect?” I whispered.
“Better question is why am I not perfect for you?” He asked.
I looked over at him slowly and he was looking back at me, honest questioning on his face. “You are.” I told him. “You really are, I just…I can’t get passed him. I know it won’t mean much to you, but when I was here, even though you don’t think it was genuine, I loved him and he loved me. He was my first love, and I never dreamed there’d be a chance for us, but there is now, and I can’t just keep you because I love you too, knowing that I love him more.” I admitted. “I’m so sorry, Logan. I can’t make you understand, and I never in a million years wanted to hurt you.”
“I had a feeling.” He whispered, letting my hand go and standing up to walk to the center of the room, staring up at the ceiling like I like to do. “From the moment that Pedro guy showed up at our house, you’ve been different. I don’t know how to put it, but I knew something was happening. You distanced yourself from me. You even kissed me differently, like you weren’t even really there anymore. You were somewhere else.” He said. “Octavia showed me some of the videos from the competition thing that you were in, and I know it is true that he loves you, and I saw the way you looked at him in those videos.” He looked back over at me. “I’ve never seen that look in your eyes before…not until just now when you were talking to… him. ” He said. “I can’t compete with that.”
I felt the tears spring to my eyes. “I don’t want you to compete.” I told him. “I want you to be happy, and you can never be happy with me.”
He nodded his head slowly and tensed his jaw. “I know.” He muttered. “You’re a different person when you’re here.”
“Logan…”
“I don’t mean that as a bad thing, I swear. It’s bad for me, but not you. You’re…just different. More outspoken, stronger…shit, I don’t know. You’re like a freaking queen, which you are.” He said. “At home, you were quiet, thoughtful, reserved. I always kind of thought that there might be more beneath the surface, and I wanted to be the person who brought that out in you. I’m not though.”
“I’m so sorry.” I whispered.
He walked back over to me, holding out his hand. I took it and he pulled me over, hugging me tightly and kissing the top of my head once. “Don’t cry.” He muttered over me, then he stepped back, looking down at me with a long face. “Are you sure about what you’re doing though?”
“No.” I shook my head. “Everything is up in the air, and things are even worse now than when I got here. I have no idea what I’m doing, or what is going to happen to me.”
“What do you mean?” He asked.
I shook my head, pursing my lips and fuming over the stupid council again. “They are making Calvin and I, plus the girl he had a blood bond with, participate in a new competition.” I told him.
“I’ll either have to stay here forever, or I’ll have to watch Calvin marry Lexton and I will be out of here.”
Logan looked worried. “If you have to stay here then what about Rose?” He asked.
I looked up into his eyes. “That’s another reason why I would never take Rose away from you.” I told him. “On the off chance that something happened to me, or if I am stuck here, I want you to take care of her.” I told him, a tear in my eye. “I need you to be there for her.”
“Are you in danger?” He asked with his eyebrows raised.
“I’m always in danger here.” I told him. “So promise me.”
“You know that I will.” He nodded down at me, holding me by the shoulders. “You know I love both of you.”
“I do know that.” I nodded. “So even though we aren’t…”
“I would never use you’re choosing someone else over me as a reason to abandon Rose. I love her like she is mine, and to me, she is. If I have to, I will take care of her, and I will tell her everyday about the amazing woman her mother is.” He said.
“But why are we having this conversation? Are you afraid of something?”
I looked up at him and shook my head. “I just know how crazy things get here.” I told him. “I can’t even remember how many times I was almost killed last time, and I had a little more support from the people then. I don’t know what I have now. I just want to know that she is safe if…”
“Of course she will be.” He assured me again, then hugged me again. “She’ll be calling soon.” He pointed out.
“I know.” I nodded. “I’ve been watching the time.”
“What do we tell her?” He asked and I leaned back.
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“Nothing.” I told him. “You are still daddy, and I am still mommy.” I told him. “When the time is right, and there isn’t a freaking blade hanging over all of our heads, then you and I will explain to her that we are still the same people we were, but we just aren’t going to be the same with each other as we were before.” I said. “Some of the kids in her class have parents who are divorced and I’ve explained that to her before. I guess it’ll be something along those lines.” Enjoy more interesting stories
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His eyes were so sad, and I felt that guilt gripping me again. “I wish…I wish things had turned out differently for us, Rach.” He sighed. “I love you.”
“I know.” I whispered. “I love you too.”
He slowly wrapped his hand around the back of my neck and lowered his face to mine, pressing his lips to mine gently. I sighed into it and he held me a little longer. As he leaned away he looked down into my eyes, tears matching mine. “You know,” He whispered. “I still hate that guy.” He said, trying to smile at me.
I nodded my head. “I know.” I said. “I think the feeling is probably mutual.”
He nodded back. “It better be.”
“I’m sorry.” I said again as he started to walk towards the door.
He rubbed his eyes. “I’m sorry too.” He whispered. “I hope…well, I was going to say I hope everything works out, but…I think that would be a little too much, so I will just go with I hope you can be happy.”
I smiled at him. “Thank you, Logan.” I said. “You’re staying here, aren’t you?” I asked.
“Yeah.” He nodded as he pulled open the door. “What kind of brother would I be to abandon you here now? Besides, I need to be around when Rose calls.” I could see through his strong front, he was clearly hurting, but I didn’t call him on it.
“Right.” I smiled. “Be careful.”
“You too.”
I stood there for a long time after he was gone, just staring at the door. I knew I’d done the right thing, but my heart still stung for him and for me and for Rose. I walked slowly to the bed and kicked off my shoes, crawling into my spot and wrapping up in the blankets. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine a future where everything works out perfectly for each of us, and we are all safe, happy, and loved.
I held onto that dream as I slowly drifted to sleep.
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Story_Continues
ANYTHING FOR RACHEL
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